Own Your Relationship Happiness
Do you ever catch yourself thinking, "I just want my partner to make me happy?" I sure do. After a long stressful day, it's tempting to want my husband to swoop in like a superhero and instantly lift my mood.
But then I remember—no one can make me happy except me. This profound (and, let's be honest, kind of annoying) truth really hits home when I notice my mood tanking. Sometimes I’ll start snapping at my husband over little things that annoy me. I’ll blamed him for not keeping me happy or doing enough around the house. But deep down, I know that the expectations I hold for him are mostly aspects of my ego mind that want to control and make him the bad guy in my storyline.
The truth many of us resist is that no one else, including our romantic partner, is responsible for our happiness. Happiness is an inside job. Does that mean our partners can't contribute to our joy? Of course not. My husband's encouragement, affection, and partnership make my life sweet. But at the end of the day, I’m the CEO of Me, Inc. I’m the one running this show. Relying on someone else to make me happy, even the man I love, will only lead to disappointment.
Why We Mistakenly Seek Happiness from Others
This urge to outsource our happiness usually stems from childhood. As kids, our joy depended almost entirely on our caregivers. We relied on them for unconditional love, validation, fun activities, and comfort when we were hurting.
Fast forward to adulthood, and these associations remain wired in our brain. We now look to our romantic partner to provide what our parents once did—a sense of safety, care, adventure, and soothing during difficult times.
The media and culture also feed this fantasy. Rom-coms, pop songs, and IG couple photos portray an idealized version of relationships as complete sources of bliss and fulfillment. But real life is always a bit more complicated. No partner can be our perfect parent, best friend, passionate lover, therapist, and happiness concierge all rolled into one.
Reclaiming Your Power
The first step to breaking free from codependency is reclaiming your power. Get clear that you, and only you, are responsible for your joy. No one can steal your light without your permission. Your mood, mindset and satisfaction are YOUR domain.
Take time to reflect on when you tend to outsource or seek validation. Do you pressure your partner to prove their love on special occasions? Do you compete over whose day was harder in order to “win” at suffering? Do you sulk until they notice your bad mood, or withhold affection when you feel hurt?
Start to catch yourself in these patterns. Then, when you do, shift the focus back to yourself. What do YOU need right now to feel better? A nap? Some exercise? Journaling? Alone time? A heart-to-heart? In most cases, the solution lies within your own self-care.
Give What You Seek
Next, focus on giving what you seek. Instead of just expecting words of affirmation, give appreciative words sincerely and generously. Rather than complaining about the quality time you crave, proactively schedule fun date nights. Initiate the playful flirting you daydream your partner would surprise you with.
When you shift from demanding happiness be given to you to actively creating it yourself, your whole mindset transforms. You realize your power. You become a radiant light, rather than a black hole sucking happiness from others.
Yes, it may seem unfair at times. But this shift is how we heal codependent relations. And it benefits our partner as much as us.
The Paradox of Letting Go
Here’s where things get paradoxical. The more you pressure someone to make you happy, the less space they have to freely give their love. It’s like trying to force open a locked door. You'll just jam it tighter.
But when you take ownership of your joy, freeing your partner from impossible expectations, it creates room for them to show up for you authentically. Your moods and pouting no longer control them.
By giving your lover the space to care in their own way, they can finally breathe—and are more likely to surprise you with tenderness. Once you stop making your moods their problem, they stop needing to fix or rescue you and can instead just be present.
This letting go allows for relating that is interdependent rather than codependent. You become two whole people coming together, rather than fragments desperately clinging together to “complete” each other.
Embrace Being the Creator
So how can we embrace being the source of our own happiness, while still enjoying the gifts of partnership? Here are some tips:
Take complete ownership for your feelings. Don’t play the blame game.
Treat yourself how you want your partner to treat you. Self-care comes first.
Give without expecting anything in return. Focus on their needs too.
Express your desires clearly, while accepting disappointment gracefully.
Foster regular open communication free of judgment.
Focus on enjoying time together, not extracting happiness from them.
Appreciate their efforts, but don’t become dependent on them.
Align on shared relationship values, while honoring each other's autonomy.
Champion their growth and purpose outside of the relationship, too.
Remember, we are each responsible for our own well-being. Our partner can't complete us, because we are already whole. Their role is to mirror our wholeness back to us more brightly.
When you embrace being the artist of your own happiness, you unlock creativity and power within yourself that never runs dry. You gain freedom in relating along with deeper intimacy. Joy arises from within, and overflows to your partner as a gift, not a demand.
The Bliss of Owning Your Own Happiness
I still catch myself slipping into old patterns—getting moody when my husband doesn’t meet some unspoken expectation. But over time, I’ve become more aware of these pesky ego-driven habits and when I notice them cropping up, I call out to the light within me to heal my conditioned mind.
Miraculously, as I’ve released my tight grip on monitoring his contributions to my happiness, our intimacy has only grown. He’s started surprising me with the little acts of service and affection I secretly craved but never demanded. By taking responsibility for my own joy, I created space for his love to bloom freely, too.
Of course, there are still plenty of cranky, stressful days. But rather than blaming my husband for my unhappiness, I now see it as a cue to care for myself. My husband is a Psych-K practitioner, so he assists me in removing the self-sabotaging limiting beliefs. Over time I am getting faster and faster at shooing away those ego driven patterns and replacing them with loving thoughts.
Owning my happiness has been a journey—one still unfolding. But the rewards are infinite. I feel far more empowered and free.
So next time you catch yourself thinking, “I just want my partner to make me happy,” remember your forgiveness practice. You are the magical creator of your own bliss and when you embrace this, everything transforms. Joy and deep connection become byproducts of two fulfilled people coming together, rather than a single expectation.
You deserve to experience that bliss now. So take back your power, get creative about caring for yourself, and watch what unfolds in your relationship when you unleash your inner joy. The results just might surprise and delight you.
